DRAPER'S PAPER ROUTE
Just Two Good Ole Boys
April 5, 2019
by Adam Carroll Draper
Somewhere in the Boston Mountains of Arkansas, two men were drinking on the back porch on a Friday night when they decided to test the effectiveness of a bullet proof vest one of them was wearing. I mean, if you are sittin’ around drinkin’ in your best Kevlar, you’re likely to brag on it.
You can see where this is going. It’s like the redneck’s famous last words, “Hold my beer – y’all watch this!”
On March 31, 2019 Deputy Dorian Hendrix went to Mercy Hospital in Rogers, Arkansas to investigate a gunshot wound to one Charles Eugene Ferris. Unfortunately, Charles was not effusively descriptive at first when the deputy inquired as to how he had been shot. With some prompting, however, Charles cobbled together a tale of his harrowing encounter with a sniper at a tree line. Charles had been shot while protecting an “asset,” who he had met in a bar in Springdale. In the process of covering The Asset with his body and whisking him safely into The Asset’s white Mercedes Benz, Charles was shot five times in the back by The Sniper at the tree line. Charles was also shot in the chest while returning fire upon The Sniper. The Asset and Charles had narrowly escaped in The Asset’s white Mercedes Benz. The Sniper was an unidentified (fairly dangerous) white male (it is unknown whether he had green teeth). Due to his immense sense of professionalism, Charles refused to identify The Asset.
The doctor’s examination revealed only one gunshot wound, to Charles’ upper right chest.
Deputy Hendrix was not entirely convinced of the veracity of Charles’ story. Leslie Ferris, Charles’ wife, appeared at the hospital with an account that differed widely from Charles’ rendering. You see, what had happened was: Charles was sitting on the Ferris’ back porch in his bullet proof vest, drinking with his buddy, Christopher Hicks. The details are not entirely clear, but one thing lead to another, and Chris shot Charles (in the vest) with a .22 caliber rifle. Then, Chris put on the vest and Charles shot him. I mean, fair is fair!
After Leslie spilled the beans, Charles fessed up to the whole thing. According to Deputy Hendrix’s Affidavit of Probable Cause, Charles and Chris each committed a felony in Arkansas, “Aggrivated Assault” – which, I assume, is the same as Aggravated Assault elsewhere. Now, here is where I get confused. If both those boys agreed to being shot in the Kevlar, where’s the crime?
When I told my wife, Stefanie, about this incident, she was somewhat incredulous. While being facetious, she made a good point: “What is this world coming to if two growed men cain’t agree to shoot each other anymore?” Seriously, does this mean stuff like bloody knuckles challenges are illegal in Arkansas now? What if Charles and Chris both decided to jump off the barn and missed the hay wagon?
I discussed my concerns with Ron Short, who is a self-proclaimed defender of the innocent in Winston Salem. For perspective, he conceded that practicing law here may or may not be all that different from practicing in Rogers, Arkansas. However, Ron’s first thought was that consideration is given in North Carolina for a felony to which “victim gave consent to defendant’s activity.” Ron is also a historian of sorts, which lead him to consider circus feats of knife throwing accuracy in the not too distant past in which beautiful damsels were tied to circular, spinning boards at which knives were thrown (and this is key) without hitting the damsels. What if a knife thrower accidentally hit a damsel? Certainly, that would not be felonious conduct so long as the damsel truly consented, would it?
I was starting to fear for the future of the republic when Eleanor Panetti, another amazing lawyer who practices in Winston Salem, made the point that consent could be withdrawn. She was on to something.
In Charles’ original tale, he said that he was shot five times in the back by The Sniper. In truth, he only suffered a single wound. It turns out that Chris (the one who did not go to the hospital) really was shot five times in the back. Again, we do not know what was said between these two gentlemen before or after Chris shot Charles. But Charles confessed that he was “pissed” because it hurt when he got shot (which, we may assume, had not occurred to him earlier). So, when the roles were reversed, Charles did not stop after one shot, but “unloaded the clip in Christopher’s back.”
If there is anything that practicing law for thirty years has taught me, it is that some precedents are meant to be limited to their facts rather than being used for a broader commentary on the law. This is probably such a case, but there are a few things we might take away from this cautionary tale. If your buddy agrees to be shot in the bullet proof vest once, you ought not go and shoot him five more times cause it hurt when he shot you.
Another thing (and this is just for Charles), but how was it that you were the one who went to the hospital? I’m just saying!
If you would like to know more about this story, go to: http://thesmokinggun.com/documents/stupid/arkansas-idiots-670389